T E E N T I T A N S

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

It's way too much! On the morning of 11th of June, 2005, Han provoked me. I asked in an SMS for cancelling our date:"How long do you have to suffocate me like this?" And his reply was so sharp and cutting:
"Leave me alone!"
I almost cried, but you know me, I dont shed tears even if someone beat the hell out of me. So then, I was like, fine, fuck you, I shant waste my time.
I complained to Hanim & Adi, they were angry as well, and they gave him a cold shoulder. That same night (11/06/05) Hanim and Adi took me out for a midnight movie, it was OK (Hanim couldnt shut up due to anxiety when watching the movie!) and they sent me home at abt 1.45 am! It was great to hang out late into the night and release all stress. Before we went for the movies, I had a chat with Dan, poor bloke he had a flu and sounded very horrible.
Last afternoon, at abt 2.30 pm, Han sms-ed me. In his SMS, it said:
"Dez diz jerk who wanz2 apologiz2 a sweet girl for his horrible acts.. I'm reli sorry shireen"

I wanted to cry. I wanted to die. Why must he return? Why must he make my life hell? I told him back, "You wounded my heart so bad." Then he apologised some more, he kept on saying he's sorry. I couldnt say I forgive him, I was so angry that I was shaking, I couldnt feel my phone. I felt like throwing my phone away. I wanted him to feel how I felt. How he treated me like dirt. He treated me in a way I never could accept. I am no cheapskate where he can throw me and take me back again. All I could give him is friendship as he requested. I'll give in to him (damn I'm actually very soft with boys) for whatever he wants, except for sex.

So last night I called him. My tone was hard, I was filled with anger and hatred. I had to hear him out. I wanted to beat the hell out of him at the same time. But I cannot bring myself to hurt some more this pathetic creature. I am not God, I have no right to rule him. Yet I was cold, cuz I was hurt.. I ended up confused. I dont know if I'm still angry, or I've ended up falling for him again, which makes me a very stupid person lah... He has nothing, I couldve fallen for some other guys outside with a better sense of romance and has more money... I dont want to criticise him here, but I find him so-not-romantic, damn humorless and he doesnt want to work... But what is it abt him that attracts me? Maybe it's the height. Maybe it's his touch. I dont know. I am just confused.

I dont want to bully him anymore. I care for him. I am not as heartless. But I know by accepting him in my life again, I'm being stupid. Han, I'm sorry if I gave you a hard time, but you need to know how I feel. And dont ever say I have feelings for you! I am NEVER admitting that!!!!

Sharon Stella Elizabeth SHENE 5:05 PM